Happiness is a cold dagger

"The problem with India is that it's full of Indians". I once heard a fellow traveler in Asia say this and, at the time, I thought it was a pretty weird statement to make. But a week and a half into my trip and I kind of see where he was coming from. While India is slowly growing on me, (though, fortunately, no longer in me) I still don't know how to feel about its people. I don't know how to love them. Though my visit to Amritsar may just change my mind. Suddenly everyone is making eye contact. People are smiling! What's going on? It's simple really. The people here have just learned what the Americans have always understood. The one way to get everyone to be nice, is to make sure everyone's armed.

Amritsar is the capital of the state of Punjab. Pun-jab. Sounds like a sudden and sharp play on words (except is doesn't, because it's pronounced "poon-job"... which, come to think of it, actually sounds worse). But it's actually a pretty interesting part of India. That's because 60 percent of people here are Sikh. That's not a typo, it's a religion. A monotheistic form of hinduism that was founded in the 15th century. And while hindus and muslims, for all their scuffles in the past, are actually pretty hard to tell apart, Sikhs are instantly recognizable. That's because their religion comes with its very own dresscode. What do the Sikhs have to teach us? Time for a fashion breakdown! This fall, make sure the following five items are represented in your outfit. Lights! Camera! Sparkles!

1. Kesh
Just like last year, beards are back. Symbolising saintliness, the unshaven beard also makes a bold statement. "I'm here, I'm virile, get used to it." And when it comes to hair, the Sikhs have only one thing to say: let is grow, let it grow, let is grow. But no one likes the unkempt look. That's why any fashion-concious Sikh will keep his locks wrapped in a smart but casual turban. A Sikh-nificant improvement.

2. Kaccha
Tired of the eternal dilemma between boxers and briefs? Well the verdict is in! This fall, let it all hang out. The Sikhs wear loose-fitting undergarments as a symbol of modesty. Making Sikhism the only religion apart from Mormonism with a spiritual approach to underwear (look it up). Now that's Sikhs-appeal!

But of course the key to looking truly Sikh-sational is accesorizing. Check out these items that are sure to turn heads (if not sever them):

3. Karra
Is this burning an eternal flame? When you're wearing the Sikhs' steel bangle, symbolising fearlessness, it just might be.

4. Kangha
You've got the mane. Now tame it. This ritual comb is just the thing for the guru-worshipping man on the go.

5. Kirpan
Give your look an edge. Symbolising power and dignity, the Sikhs' trademark curved dagger makes sure you're a cut above the rest.

OK, so what I was trying to say with that impeccable piece of media-satire is that these people carry knives. Big ones. This is because they believe a Sikh needs to be ready to defend his faith at the drop of a hat. Or, as was historically more often the case, a head. The Sikhs have a long history of being persecuted. The muslim Mughal empire, based in Delhi, violently tried to convert them for centuries. Visiting their main place of worship, the spectacular Golden Temple complex of Amritsar, you'll find countless depictions of Sikh martyrs being sawn in half, boiled alive or dismembered. No wonder these people are a little paranoid. Why, as recent as 1984, the Sikhs have come to blows with Delhi. When a group of seperatists occupied the Golden Temple and started stockpiling weapons to declare a seperate Sikh state, the Indian government violently beat them down.

But my point is, they're very nice people. Sikhism is very inclusive. The Golden Temple complex has huge accomodation blocks, offering free dorm beds to Sikh pilgrims and visitors of any religion. And just like in any gurdwara (or Sikh temple), there is also a huge communal dining hall, where, every day, volunteers prepare free meals for about 70.000 people, that just sit down in long rows on the floor together.
How cool is that?

So, like I said, maybe it's the knives. It's amazing how much effort people make to be civil when the threat of mutual destruction hangs over their heads. Which also applies to India's relations with its neighbour Pakistan. (OK, maybe not the most seemless of segues but, hey, I did a lot of stuff today)

The India-Pakistan border crossing of Attari (that's actually its name) is about 30 kilometers from Amritsar. Every afternoon at about five there's a ceremony to close the border for the night, which draws thousands of spectators. It's one of the most surreal things I have ever seen. While the ceremonial guards do a synchronised marching around that could have come straight out of a Monty Pyhton sketch, the discipline and dignified atmosphere of the ceremony is somewhat marred by a high-energy MC in a tracksuit jumping around, whipping the crowd into a frenzy. The goal, it seemed, is to out-cheer the Pakistani audience at the other side of the border, where pretty much the same thing seemed to be happening.

The crowd was full of people laughing and dancing, waving flags and beating drums while cheering "Hindustan!", the Hindi name for India. Whenever one of the guards would stomp his feet in a particularly impressive way, or the captain of the guard would manage to draw out the shouting of a particular order for longer than his Pakistani counterpart, the crowd would go wild. There was a level of catharsis there that you normally only find at major sporting events (to my knowledge) and as absurd as it all looked, it was great to see these people taking out their mutual frustrations this way. But then, when the only other option involves nuclear weapons, you kind of have to.

So, in conlusion, it is my assertion that the gradual proliferation of weapons, in social settings as well as on the international stage, would be beneficial to all parties involved. I hereby submit my bid for this year's Nobel Peace Prize and await your call. Thank you.